Garr's Joke Thread

[Garr]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, But we don't know anything about each other.

He said, That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, That was incredible!

He said, I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?

No. she said, I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

[Garr]

You might be a redneck Jedi if. . .

You hear... "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

[Garr]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train ... 'cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train set ... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train set. Soon, the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "To all passengers, I hope you've had a pleasant trip and you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue, "For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. I hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "And for those of you who are totally pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

[Austin_Taunt]

I was at the Indiana State Fair this year and the were having a poetry contest between a redneck and a rich well educated lawyer. The rules of the contest were they were each given a different topic and had two minutes to think of a four line stanza.

The lawyer went first and was given the topic "Arabian Nights" He thought for his two minutes and delivered an amazing poem using imagery, I was even impressed!!

The redneck stood up and all of us kind of snickered b/c we knew there was no way in the world he could compete with the lawyer. He was handed his topic, "Timbuctu" and everyone laughed...no way he was going to win this. 10 seconds later he announced he was ready.

Here is his poem:

Tim and I a hunt and went
Found three whores in a pop-up tent
Three of them us of two
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two

[Garr]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

[Jambrea]

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

[Garr]

One day in the future, George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[Garr]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

[Garr]

My name is Philip... Let me explain how I handle the situation with my wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get back from the Golf Course just before she gets home from work. Although she knows I'm hungry, she always has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to wake me when the dinner is on the table.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we'd finished eating. Now, they sit on the table for several hours. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her that, "They won't clean themselves". I know she appreciates this, as it does motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Now that she has gotten older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this, unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling.

Also, if I've had a day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say it's difficult to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over 2 or even 3 days! That way she won't have to rush so much.

She even complains of having to carry heavy groceries from the supermarket. I have told her, if the shopping's heavy, make 2 trips.

I also remind her that missing lunch now and then wouldn't hurt her (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade, and one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible.

Guys, if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing this was well worth while.

Signed, Philip.

UPDATE:

Philip died suddenly last Thursday. He was found with a extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his posterior, with only 2 inches of the grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested, but an all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it, and died.

[Garr]

Two redneck farmers, Bubba and Earl, were sitting in a bar drinking beer. BUbba turns to Earl and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the college and sign up for some classes."

Earl thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"

The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"

"Aye"

"Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a garden."

"That's true, I do have a garden."

"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a garden, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Aye, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Aye, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing you were able to find out all of that because I have a strimmer." Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Lecturers's hand and leaves to meet Earl at the pub.

He tells Earl about his classes, and how he's signed up for Maths, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Earl says, "What's that?"

Bubba says, "I'll show you. Do you have a strimmer?"

"No."

"Then... you must be gay!"

[Garr]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

"OH MY GOD!!!" screamed the driver, as he lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the shaking cabby said, "I'm sorry but you scared the hell out of me."

The passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't realise that just a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab."

"You must be very nervous. What was your last job?" inquired the passenger.

The cabby replied, "I used to drive a hearse for the last 25 years."

[Jambrea]

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans
paper:

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story
that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.

Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all
over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire
need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief
waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in
distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever
had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12
below doesn't help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her
options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that
since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods
and no one would even notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage."

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to
do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there
is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.

Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not
forgiving...even duri ng the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the
woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the
trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the
reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was
picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control,
creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the
lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.
At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the
bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski
lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing
backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of
her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift." ...
"So, how'd you break your arm?

[G Fresh]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem Officer?â€

[G Fresh]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem Officer?â€

[G Fresh]

Jack awoke with a huge hangover and sore face after attending his company’s annual office party.

Jack was not normally a drinker, but the alcopop drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all.

He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling he knew something was up, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack forced himself to open his eyes, however the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the bedside table, and next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order and spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house.

He took the aspirin, cringing when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove.
I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillianâ€