Garr's Joke Thread

[Oliver's Army]

Two kids are testing their mom's limits of what they can get away with.

"Let's swear at breakfast" says Timmy.

"Cool", says Joey...."you say Damn and I will say Ass"

Mom comes in and asks "What do you kids want for breakfast?"

Timmy exclaims "I want some damn pancakes!"

The mom swats Timmy and asks Joey "What about you?"




"You bet your ass I dont want pancakes"

[MynameisJenn]

Did you guys hear about the courduroy pillows?


































THEY'RE MAKING HEAD LINES!!!

[Sankofa]

So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

[G Fresh]

A guy walks into a bar and sees another guy sitting with a ferret. The guy seems to be stroking it rather lovingly. The first guy asks him, “Why are you stroking that ferret?â€

[G Fresh]

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

[Garr]

So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist who went around chanting "There is no Dog, there is no Dog!"

[G Fresh]

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news." Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?" Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me."

The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just messing with you, she's dead."

[echosauce1]

A general is giving an inspection of an isolated military outpost. Upon his arrival he discovers a camel hidden in one of the barracks.

"What in damnation is this!" the general barks at two nearby privates.

"It's a camel sir!" responds one of the privates.

"Well, why the hell is it here!" the general fires back.

"Sir, it's lonely out here in the desert. We have no women, and no cars or jeeps. Town is so far away of a walk an...."

"I don't care!" the general cuts him off. "It's not military issue you idiots and I want it out of here now!"

Two weeks later, the general sheepisly approaches the privates. "I am starting to understand what you said about it being lonely out here private. Any chance you still have that camel around?"

"Yes sir!" replies the private. "We hid him in a supply shed out back."

They take the general to the camel and one of the privates begins to instruct the general on the proper sequence of events. "First sir, tell the camel to get down on it's knees and then you just.."


"Enough blabber!" interupts the general. "I am the general after all. I know what I am doing!"


The next night the general approaches the two privates again. "Guys, I admit it was a little strange at first but, after closing my eyes, having sex with a camel was not much different than a woman. How did you two ever think of that?"

"Actually sir, we always just climb on his back and ride into town to find some women."

[Jeff]

..

[echosauce1]

A string walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender almost serves him, stops and says "Wait a minute, your a string. We don't serve your kind here."

Dejected, the string walks outside, ties himself up and messes up his hair.

Once again, he returns to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender almost serves him again and stops. "Wait a minute, aren't you that string I just threw out of my bar?"

"No." replies the string calmly. "I'm a frayed knot."

[G Fresh]

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper boots."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?

"Rustlin' " said the bartender.

[echosauce1]

A man is standing behind a women in line at the grocery. He looks over all the items she is purchasing for several minutes, then looks up at the lady and says "I bet you're single aren't you."

The lady starts to study the items she is purchasing herself, then looks at the man and says "Why yes I am. You mean to tell me you can know that just because of the items I am purchasing?"

"No" says the man. "I can tell that cause your forking ugly"


Edited for grammer out of respect to Garr's thread.

[G Fresh]

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He
walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[G Fresh]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.


"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F*ck," the rottweiler ate him!"

[=^-..-^=]

After practice one day, the symphony conductor addressed the orchestra:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I wish to take a moment to commend Bubba here, our saxophone player. When we needed a sax player for our special work we are playing, I wasn't sure where to turn. Bubba here stepped in at the last moment. I wasn't sure about using a rock and roll player, because of their reputation for being flaky, but Bubba has shown up for every rehearsal, stayed late afterward, and has put in hours of his own time at home to learn the piece. My opinion of rockers has changed. Bubba, you have been excellent, doing all that for us."

"Well, dude, it's the least I could do," Bubba answered, " since I can't make it to your gig tomorrow night."