Non-music discussion. Discuss things that are on your mind or things that don't have anything to do with music. Lets try to keep it clean people, there are little children present.
I love a good joke. I like to share them with people when I find them. I'll try not to post anything too far over any lines, but my level of sensitivity is far different than most. Please, don't read further if you are easily offended because I don't want to have any crap started here. If you have a problem with a joke, please PM me and I'll remove it or alter it if need warrants such action.
Lay back, read some jokes, and lighten up! Life's too short not to laugh!!!
Last edited by Garr on Mon Nov 06, 2006 5:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought, and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the tit and said,"You know if you firmed these up we could ge rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the d*ck. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother.
Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a French journalist.
The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?' or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother?'" Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind
of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle,you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words... Free Beer.
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
A woman is driving through Idaho when her car breaks down. An Indian on horseback comes by and offers to take her to a nearby town, so she climbs up behind him and they ride off.
Every few minutes during the ride, the Indian lets out a loud whoop. When they get to town, he drops her off at the gas station, yells one last time, and rides off.
"What did you do to that guy?" asks the attendant.
"I just put my arms around his waist and held the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," she says.
"Lady," the attendant says, "Indians ride bareback.
There was a businessman, a stockbroker and a redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
to be shot
to be hung
to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the businessman said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead.)
Then the stockbroker said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead).
Then the redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.
Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?" The redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"
A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fools!"
Garr wrote:A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fools!"
That's HORRIBLE!!
Funny, but horrible
"brad!
...your tunes and your playing sound really great... all the best to you and god bless-
adam nitti" www.myspace.com/adamnittimusic
www.bradjonesbass.com
http://groups.myspace.com/northeastindianabassplayers
www.myspace.com/bassjones
www.myspace.com/whitehotnoise
www.esession.com/bradjones - hire me for your session from anywhere in the world.
Fred is sitting in an empty bar when he sees a man walk in, sit at the bar and order a beer. After having a couple of sips of his beer, the man reaches into his coat pull outs a very small man and stands him on the bar. Next he reaches into his coat and pulls out a small piano and sets it on the bar. The little man walks over to the piano, sits down and starts playing some beatiful classical music.
Fred walks over to the man and asks where did he find the small piano player. The man responds by saying there is genie on the street corner down the street granting a wish for free.
Fred runs down to the street corner and goes up the genie and asks about the free wish. The genie says he can grant Fred only one wish. Fred thinks about it and tells the genie "I want a million bucks". The genie says "you wish is granted"
In a few seconds, Fred hears the sounds of ducks quacking, lots and lots of ducks. Looking down the street, Fred sees a million ducks running towards him, all of them quacking. He takes off running back to the bar and darts in the door. There is a deafening sound of quacking going on outside the bar.
Fred goes up the man with the piano player and say "hey, that genie must not hear very good, I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks". The man at the bar says "well did you think I really asked for 10 inch pianist"?
"Yesterday Mr. Hall wrote that the printer's proof-reader was improving my punctuation for me, & I telegraphed orders to have him shot without giving him time to pray." -Mark Twain
"There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist."
Ayn Rand
". . .and the trees are all kept equal by hatchet, axe, and saw."
On the first day of kindergarten, the teecher asked the studuhnts what they did over the summer.
" I visited my nana." Suzy said.
" Now children, we're in big kid's skool now; we use our grown up words." The teecher corrected.
" I visited my Grandma."
"Much better."
Johnny said, " I learned to stop using a ba-ba."
Grownup words, Johnny!"
" I stopped using a bottle."
"Much better! And Jimmy, what did you do over the Summer?"
" I read a book!"
"Very good big-people words, Jimmy; and just what book did you read?"
" It was the Adventures of Winnie the Crap!"
"Yesterday Mr. Hall wrote that the printer's proof-reader was improving my punctuation for me, & I telegraphed orders to have him shot without giving him time to pray." -Mark Twain
"There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist."
Ayn Rand
". . .and the trees are all kept equal by hatchet, axe, and saw."
"Yesterday Mr. Hall wrote that the printer's proof-reader was improving my punctuation for me, & I telegraphed orders to have him shot without giving him time to pray." -Mark Twain
"There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist."
Ayn Rand
". . .and the trees are all kept equal by hatchet, axe, and saw."
