Garr's Joke Thread

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Wed Nov 22, 2006 7:48 am

The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing ?1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Sat Nov 25, 2006 9:11 pm

Two young boys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young boys, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than some hard jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday morning, bright and early."

The two boys where in court that Monday morning, and the judge asked the first one, "So, How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor," he replied, "I persuaded 22 people to give up drugs forever."

"22 people? That's amazing. How'd you accomplish such a feat?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs, and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" he asked the second boy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 214 people to give up drugs forever."

"214 people! That's unbelieveable! How on earth did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach," he answered. "I drew a large and a small circle. Pointing to the small circle, I said, this is your butthead before you go to prison..."

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Sat Nov 25, 2006 9:19 pm

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

iadwts4l · Post by **iadwts4l** » Sat Nov 25, 2006 11:13 pm

i think the sex jokes might put off some readers.

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Sun Nov 26, 2006 4:48 am

Go to the top of the thread. . .

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Sun Nov 26, 2006 4:55 am

Or, I can just include it for you here.

Garr wrote:Hey,

I love a good joke. I like to share them with people when I find them. I'll try not to post anything too far over any lines, but my level of sensitivity is far different than most. Please, don't read further if you are easily offended because I don't want to have any crap started here. If you have a problem with a joke, please PM me and I'll remove it or alter it if need warrants such action.

Lay back, read some jokes, and lighten up! Life's too short not to laugh!!!

iadwts4l · Post by **iadwts4l** » Sun Nov 26, 2006 7:46 pm

If anyone is offended or put off it's their fault for taking life too seriously.

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Sun Nov 26, 2006 8:51 pm

That is not so much the point, as is the point that if you don't want to be subjected to potentially offensive material, stay away. It is the reader's choice of whether or not to read.

Again, like it says, if someone is offended, please PM me and I will deal with it in the appropriate manner. Or, I guess one could simply blow it out of proportion and make it out that I'm a heartless and offensive person who cares little (if at all) about the sensitivities of others. I would hope that's not the case.

The thread has been up there for quite some time with the disclaimer and this is really the first time anyone has said anything. Please feel free to continue the discussion in a PM if there is a particular joke which you feel needs to be removed and allow this thread to continue in its mediocre hilarity.

Thanks,

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Sat Dec 02, 2006 2:36 pm

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Sun Dec 03, 2006 4:44 am

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

=^-..-^= · Post by **=^-..-^=** » Sun Dec 03, 2006 6:50 pm

The sex jokes aren't that offensive. . . .they aren't that funny, either.

A man was hired by the local zoo. "Our gorilla died, and he was our most popular attraction." The zookeeper said. "We just need you to put on our gorilla suit and swing around his cage until we can afford a replacement."

The man spent the first day swinging in the cage. The crowds oooohed and ahhhed the higher he swung. He swung really high, lost his grip, and slingshotted out of the cage and landed in the neighboring lion cage. As the lion walked toward him, he started shouting, "Oh my God! Get me outa' here!!!"

"QUIET!" Shouted the lion, "You wanna' give us all away?"

Oliver's Army · Post by **Oliver's Army** » Mon Dec 04, 2006 7:41 pm

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' Drizzle.

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Thu Dec 14, 2006 8:29 am

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow."

She continues, "I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student and says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Tue Dec 19, 2006 1:51 pm

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is Struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his or her own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ... one button at a time. No one moves...

He removes his shirt... Muscles ripple across his chest... She gasps... He whispers..."Iron this, and get me something to eat, b*tch."

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Wed Dec 20, 2006 10:30 am

A Classic
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.