Garr's Joke Thread

Sankofa · Post by **Sankofa** » Thu Nov 09, 2006 8:04 am

^the whole time I was thinking "one of them has AIDS"

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Thu Nov 09, 2006 9:01 am

^ ditto.

That one got me completely and delightfully by surprise!!!!!

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Sat Nov 11, 2006 8:41 pm

A redneck farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything.

A few minutes later the redneck farmer exclaims, "We're ruined, all the money's gone and there's no flour for bread!"

His daughter says, "No, papa, I hid the money in my you-know-what."

The redneck farmer said, "You're a good girl, but if your mamma was here -
she could have saved the sack of flour as well!"

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Sat Nov 11, 2006 8:42 pm

Marie's funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating, "At last they're together. At last they're together."

A mourner whispers, "Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What's with this nonsense... at last they're together!"

The first mourner responds, "I'm talking about her LEGS! At last they're together!"

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Sat Nov 11, 2006 8:43 pm

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."

He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

The wife grabs the farmer's d*ck and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of the farmhands."

MrSpall · Post by **MrSpall** » Mon Nov 13, 2006 8:02 am

So the 7 Dwarves go to hear the Pope speak. About 30 minutes into the speech Dopey stands up and begins shouting, "Pope, Pope! I got a question!"
"What is it Dopey?"
"Are there any midget nuns here in Rome?"
"No Dopey, sit down Dopey." Dopey sits down.
20 minutes later Dopey stands up again, jumps up and down a few times and begins shouting, "Pope, Pope! Another question!"
"What is it Dopey?"
"Are there any midget nuns here in Italy?"
"No Dopey. Sit down Dopey." Dopey sits down.
10 minutes later Dopey stands up on his chair, waves his arms and begins shouting again, "Pope, Pope! I got one last question, you've got to answer it!"
The pope sighs and says, "What is it Dopey?"
"Pope, are there any midget nuns anywhere in the whole world?"
The pope calls over a few of his cardinals, they discuss for a few minutes before finally the pope turns around and says, "No Dopey, there are no midget nuns anywhere in the world. Now sit down Dopey." Dopey sits down.
The other 6 dwarves stand up singing, "Dopey f*cked a penguin, Dopey f*cked a penguin."

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Tue Nov 14, 2006 8:42 am

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on,Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat!"

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Tue Nov 14, 2006 9:03 am

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf, " says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!

About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost?
I'm trying to take a sh*t!"

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Tue Nov 14, 2006 9:05 am

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supplyboat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You Americans are so rude." she said, "Cant you see my dog is sitting there?"

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home- so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down." he said.

The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "Lady, Ive been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?

"The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant.You are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the ladys description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong b*tch out of the window."

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Wed Nov 15, 2006 7:50 am

A couple decided go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them.

So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again".

She then said, "Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Wed Nov 15, 2006 7:50 am

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach
good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you
were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you
tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and
impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the
bathroom. I'll be right back."

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you
use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope
you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted!

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Wed Nov 15, 2006 7:51 am

A little old l ady is walking down the street, dragging two
plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole
in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill comes
flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman
stops her.

"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see
if I can gather up some of them. Thanks!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "Where did you get that
money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my yard backs up
to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a
game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my
flower beds! So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper and each time some guy sticks his thingy through the
bushes, I say; '$20 or off it comes!'"

"Hey not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the
way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Tue Nov 21, 2006 9:23 am

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery Store.
The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel - they say - because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

And Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Wed Nov 22, 2006 7:47 am

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

And the man said, "I was looking for my father."

Garr · Post by **Garr** » Wed Nov 22, 2006 7:48 am

The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing ?1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."