Garr's Joke Thread

[Garr]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[Jambrea]

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who
understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 list. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra. Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra. The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra. like a rock!

7. Viagra. When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra. Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra. Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra. Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra. We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

[Garr]

The Hit Man
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?..."
"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!
What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked as well! The b*tch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

[ugotdrums2]

MOM'S SEX EDUCATION-


A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is standing outside of the
ladies dressing room waiting for his Mom to come out.While waiting the
little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her
son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts.
"Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he
didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up
believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16 he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of
town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out
and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further
if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her
crotch. "Hell no!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there!" "Don't be
ridiculous," she responds. "There's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes, there are," he says. "My Mom told me so."
"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she
pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry," he says. "My Mom already told me that all women have
teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws
her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down
there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the
condition of those gums, I'm not surprised."

[Dog]

Prior to sayin' anythin'... I *love* The one above my post. Jus' sayin'.

Let's see how subtle I can be, yet still be offensive , eh?

What did the quadriplegic boy get for Christmas?

Cancer.

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Why didn't Hitler drink whiskey?

It made him mean.