Garr's Joke Thread

[G Fresh]

The champion Russian and a newcomer American wrestler were set to square up to each other for the Olympic Gold Medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘Pretzel’ hold he has developed, whatever you do don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!â€

[G Fresh]

Why English Teachers Retire Young

Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way
a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m.instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other
from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on
a land mine or something.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was
the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

22. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.

23. The ballerina raised gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to
put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple
it to the wall.

[Garr]

One bright and beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the village wakes up early and goes to the local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and families etc.

Suddenly at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the door, trampling each other in their efforts to get away from this evil spirit.

Soon, everyone has left the church, except for one man who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Of course I do."

Satan shouts, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan perturbed says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replies, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 35 years."

[G Fresh]

Fred returns home early one day to find his wife in bed with his best friend.

"You no-good tramp!", he shouts at his wife, "Pack your bags and get out! Never darken my door again."

Fred then turns to his best friend and snarls, "And as for you ... Bad Dog!"

[G Fresh]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,"Ma, There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

[G Fresh]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,"Next year tell Santa the d*ck goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[Garr]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man
standing alone. She approached him.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most -- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked him.

"Beertits." he said.

[songbirdfortwayne]

What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?




Well, a Rooster clucks in defiance,
while a lawyer f*&ks da clients....

[songbirdfortwayne]

Guy walks into a bar with a ten-inch, scowling man sitting on his shoulder.

Orders a sandwich platter and a beer. The beer arrives first and the little guy on the shoulder jumps down on the bar and drinks a third of it, then jumps back up

When the sandwich arrives the little guy jumps down, eats a third of it then jumps back up.

Bartender couldn't help but notice, so he says so what's up with that little guy on your shoulder . . . . .

Man says, well I found this bottle on the beach, and when I rubbed it a genie came out and said he'd grant me a wish, so I asked for
a 10-inch pr*&k, and the genie shrunk my lawyer!

[G Fresh]

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

[Garr]

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what is your problem?â€

[Garr]

A guy from Indiana dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a
horrible man his entire life.

The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge
hammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see
if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Hoosier is
happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this.
I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"

The man, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This
is great! It reminds me of August in Indiana. Hot, humid, a good place to
work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the man's
remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving
rain and torrential wind.

Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess.

Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes,
the man is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of
crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

The man replies, "This is great! Just like April in Indiana. It
reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make
him suffer. He makes the temperature plummet.

Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this
will surely him unhappy, the devil checks in on him.

He is again aghast at what he sees. The man is dancing, singing,
and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?"
screams the devil.

Jumping up and down, he throws a snowball at the devil and
yells, "Hell's frozen over! This means the Colts won the Super Bowl!!!"

[Jambrea]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you,
because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your
brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your
face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I'm good at
telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell Except for maybe "Go To Hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

[G Fresh]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items:

* A half-gallon of 2% milk
* A half carton of eggs
* A quart of orange juice
* A small head of romaine lettuce
* A 2-pound can of coffee
* And a 1-pound package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

[Oliver's Army]

In an attempt to spice up their love life a man paints a Superman *S* on his d*ck.

He jumps out of the bathroom and shouts, "SUPER c*ck!"

Unimpressed, his wife states flatly, "I will have the soup".